Self Help in Three Minutes or Less!

Self Help in Three Minutes or Less!

Sometimes when you think about the sad state of affairs of your love life, your apartment, your brain, your musical knowledge, your cooking abilities and your reading skills, you want to do nothing more than lay on your couch and watch old reruns of Bob Ross and doze your life away. Self-improvement plans are way too hard and take too much effort. What you need is a quick activity that will get you off the couch and feeling way better about yourself with a minimum amount of effort. That’s the ticket! Lessen the dent from your sorry body on your poor couch by trying out these three minute ideas for self-improvement:

 

  1. Make a tomato sandwich and pretend that you have a cooking show. I couldn’t cook for shit when I was in high school (or now, really), but I always really wanted to have a cooking show. Or, rather, I liked to pretend that I was Martha Stewart. So you should help me out of my isolated weirdness and pretend that you are hosting a cooking show and making a tomato sandwich. Just toast the bread, cut and salt the tomatoes and put some mayonnaise on your toast, talking to your "audience" the whole time. I’ll assume that you live alone.
  2. Replace your ex’s face with a gorilla’s in a photograph of the two of you. If you’re a PhotoShop wizard, which I’m sure you are because you live alone and have no life, you’ll be able to do this in three minutes or less. Just cut out your ex’s face and PhotoShop it with that of a gorilla. Do not—and I repeat DO NOT—use a chimp because chimps are often construed as adorable, not as psycho killing machines. With your new photo, you’ll be able to say “What the hell was I doing with that ugly beast anyway?” and truly recognize that you’re better off alone. If you invest in a digital photo album, you may be able to look at that chimp long enough that you’ll really believe it.
  3. Make a pillow out of bright fabric. This probably will take more than three minutes, but if you’re handy with a needle and thread, it won’t take too much longer. It’s amazing to me how much better living spaces live with brighter pillows and brighter lighting. And it’s very simple to make a new throw pillow. You just need a lively pattern—I like to get the leftover ends of spools from 1960’s and 1970’s fabric at antique shops—and then you cut a square slightly larger than the pillow that you already have. You do a simple whip stitch with the two sides of the fabric, turn the three sides of the pillow you already have made and stuff your old pillow inside. You need to be careful with the side—it will show—but not to much if you face it downwards on your couch or chair.
  4. Type in your favorite artist into Pandora and let them find a similar artist for you. This is what I do. It’s the only way that I really discover new artists and don’t just search for the new stuff of artists I’ve liked since high school. My mom has even gotten into the act and this is a woman that only has double copies of the Indigo Girls' CDs and nothing else.